Thoughtful Tuesday - Change

 Thoughtful Tuesday ~ Change

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” —Rumi

Change. That word can be emotionally charged, mentally draining, or hopefully optimistic.  Our view of that word depends on our circumstances, background, and where we are in our personal healing journey. Most people desire to effect change, in themselves, in their environments, or in the people around them. I have been guility of the thought that if I can just get through to this person in just the right way, they will "get" what I am trying to show them and change their behavior.  It took me a very long time to learn that not everyone wants to be saved.

What does it mean when not everyone wants to be saved? Most of us have a sense of wanting to help someone whether they are in distress or in a difficult life circumstance. However, there are people who thrive on being in distress or seem to be unable to get

their circumstances together to be able to move past the difficulties they seem to constantly face. We keep trying to get them to understand their own patterns or to guide them to help themselves. Eventually, we get to the point where we just feel like we are banging our heads against a wall because nothing is changing with these people. A lot of the time, we don't recognize their refusal to make even a small positive change to help themselves because we are so busy feeling guilty for our own fortunate circumstances that we just can't abandon these people to their own destructive patterns. 

This is where the 'not everyone wants to be saved' message turned on a huge lightbulb in my head. No matter how much or how hard I try in the myriad of ways to help them "get it," they are just unwilling to take responsibility for their own choices and patterns. This helped me to understand that I am not abandoning them, they are making their own choices and I cannot change that or them.  They have to WANT their circumstances to get better and choose to make the changes themselves. Their world is their responsibility, not my responsibility on any level. This insight helped me to understand that I have nothing to feel guilty about. 

So as Rumi said, I am wise, so I am changing myself. Changing yourself can look like taking a step back in that relationship (romantic, friendship, co-worker) and choosing to put my own mental and emotional well-being first instead of continuing to be that person's captive audience for their daily drama when they refuse to change anything about it. It can look like doing your own internal work on the next step in your own journey through meditation or another practice that helps you find focus and inner peace. It can look like working on disconnecting from and setting boundaries for people and circumstances that disturb your own inner peace. You have the choice. Use it wisely.

You Don’t Measure Up. Who Cares?!?!

Pretty much since birth we have all been measured – length, weight, and where we place on the national average.  We didn’t have control over that.  Nor did we have control over all the
other measurements that happened in our childhood; our boy is smarter than little Johnny; our little girl is more creative than little Suzy; our boy needs to study harder because his grades are lower than the other 5% of the class…. And on and on and on.  This has instilled in us an unhealthy way of viewing ourselves and our own progress.  No matter what we are doing, we are constantly measuring ourselves against everyone else.  My co-worker is such a kiss up, that’s why they get more raises than I do.  I can’t believe I am this slow/low on my spiritual path.  Look at Mary, she is a Reiki Master and charges more than I could imagine for her services.  Look at James, he has 4,000 likes and 2k followers on his social media.  Why can’t I get that many?  Then starts the internal dialogue about how you are not good enough and can’t get anything right.  It’s exhausting!

This habit is best described by Pastor Steve Furtick, who once said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”  I know I struggled with this habit when I first began to pursue development of my Psychic Medium abilities.  I know I didn’t have all the answers, so I found a group where I hoped I could learn and grow.  Yet within my first few meetings with the group, I began to feel very poorly about myself and my abilities.  I would look around at all the people who could give messages seemingly effortlessly, could speak coherently about Spirit and explain concepts to people who had questions and I would feel so inferior.  The internal dialogue ran along the lines of, “Who do I think I’m kidding? I could never do that.  Why do I think I could ever understand those ideas and be able to explain them?” and on and on.  I was tripping my own self up before I gave myself a chance to learn. 

Over the next ten years, I had many varying experiences with a lot of different people.  I learned and grew.  However, I also had pit falls, negative experiences, and a lot of self-doubt. The most important lessons I learned were on my own without anyone’s assistance, guidance, or teaching.  I had to learn to really listen to myself.  Having grown up a people-pleaser who was so used to putting other people first, I had to learn how to stop that behavior for my own peace and well-being.  One huge realization I came to was that I had no right to feel bad about myself by comparing myself to other people.  I do not know their background or their journey, nor have I been doing this type of work for as long as they have.  It really was okay to keep working on myself and my own path at my own pace.  I don’t need to prove anything to anyone other than myself.    I may not be as good as someone else, but I am better than the person I used to be having learned more and grown more personally.

While I do catch myself occasionally being self-critical of where I may be on my own journey because I have compared myself to someone else, I always remind myself that I shouldn’t compare my behind the scenes to their highlight reel.  Afterall, I don’t know what has gone on with them.  For all I know, they may be putting their best face forward at an event or to the world while their behind the scenes is complicated, just like mine is. So the best we can do for ourselves is to be kind to ourselves by being mindful that our path is our path alone and no one may walk it for us.  The best we can do for others is to not judge the proverbial book by its cover.  You never know what their rough draft looks like or how much of them it took to get it out in the public. 

Word Meanings ~ Closed vs. Closure

When we think of something being closed, we often feel a sense of loss.  Something that is closed, by simple definition is no longer open.  We no longer have access to a closed room. We no longer feel fresh air if a window is closed.  We can no longer engage with someone if a relationship has closed or ended.

When we think of closure, we often look for a sense of resolution.  When we achieve closure,
we come to a conclusion, mostly one that we can live with.  Sometimes, closure can relate to something that closes or seals something (we sealed the deal).  It can also mean something important to someone looking for resolution of an emotional or traumatic experience.

In this post, I am referring to a relationship that meant a great deal to me.  Things went awry and dishonesty was a big part of it falling apart. I once read a quote that in paraphrase says, "Trust is like a mirror.  Once it is shattered, you can put the pieces back together, but it will never look the same again."  I tried to work with her and rebuild the trust, but it never felt the same for me.  I have battled back and forth with myself about whether I should close that door or keep it open.  I have recently come to realize that I will not find closure in this situation, so I need to take my own advice that I give to my clients. (This tends to be a difficult thing for spirit workers.)  It is time to stop ripping off the scab and close the door.

It is important for us to learn that we can not depend on the other person to give us what we need to find the closure we are seeking.  We need to remember that by waiting for an answer from that person, waiting for an apology, or wishing they would tell you the all important "why," that we are placing the writing of our story in their hands.  Doing this only stalls our own ability to move past the situation and continue our own growth.

We also need to realize that we must be the ones to close that door.  The other person is certainly not going to do that especially when they give a lot of reasons and excuses about why their behavior is justified.  They also may not see any problem with their actions and can not understand why you are so affected by it.  You deserve better of the people in your

life who care about you and give you actions to back it up.  You should find a way to firmly and completely close that door and not reopen it.  Reopening the door is like ripping off the scab as we talked about earlier.  If necessary, get a hammer and nails and nail that door shut!

Please remember that no one will value you or treat you according to your worth unless you show them how it's done.  A great way to do that is to show people that you will not tolerate people in your life who treat you less than you deserve in any way.  To my own mind, I would rather be alone that be surrounded by people who claim to be my friends, but don't act as a friend would in any way.  We are emotional creatures and we want to feel that we are loved, cared for, and valued.  When you begin to feel that the people in your life are not treating you accordingly, it is time to gather your courage, face their fire bravely and confidently, and move on.  You will be much better for it.