Thoughtful Tuesday - Change

 Thoughtful Tuesday ~ Change

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” —Rumi

Change. That word can be emotionally charged, mentally draining, or hopefully optimistic.  Our view of that word depends on our circumstances, background, and where we are in our personal healing journey. Most people desire to effect change, in themselves, in their environments, or in the people around them. I have been guility of the thought that if I can just get through to this person in just the right way, they will "get" what I am trying to show them and change their behavior.  It took me a very long time to learn that not everyone wants to be saved.

What does it mean when not everyone wants to be saved? Most of us have a sense of wanting to help someone whether they are in distress or in a difficult life circumstance. However, there are people who thrive on being in distress or seem to be unable to get

their circumstances together to be able to move past the difficulties they seem to constantly face. We keep trying to get them to understand their own patterns or to guide them to help themselves. Eventually, we get to the point where we just feel like we are banging our heads against a wall because nothing is changing with these people. A lot of the time, we don't recognize their refusal to make even a small positive change to help themselves because we are so busy feeling guilty for our own fortunate circumstances that we just can't abandon these people to their own destructive patterns. 

This is where the 'not everyone wants to be saved' message turned on a huge lightbulb in my head. No matter how much or how hard I try in the myriad of ways to help them "get it," they are just unwilling to take responsibility for their own choices and patterns. This helped me to understand that I am not abandoning them, they are making their own choices and I cannot change that or them.  They have to WANT their circumstances to get better and choose to make the changes themselves. Their world is their responsibility, not my responsibility on any level. This insight helped me to understand that I have nothing to feel guilty about. 

So as Rumi said, I am wise, so I am changing myself. Changing yourself can look like taking a step back in that relationship (romantic, friendship, co-worker) and choosing to put my own mental and emotional well-being first instead of continuing to be that person's captive audience for their daily drama when they refuse to change anything about it. It can look like doing your own internal work on the next step in your own journey through meditation or another practice that helps you find focus and inner peace. It can look like working on disconnecting from and setting boundaries for people and circumstances that disturb your own inner peace. You have the choice. Use it wisely.

Thoughtful Tuesday - Abundance

Each Tuesday, I will be providing a thoughtful quote for us to ponder. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“The secret of abundance is to stop focusing on what you do not have, and shift your consciousness to an appreciation for all that you are and that you do have.”  –  Wayne Dyer

When we focus on what we don't have, we unintentionally create a poverty mindset. The more we dwell on what we don't have or what we wish we had, the longer we stay in this sense to not having enough. Sometimes, this sense of lacking comes from our circumstances growing up. We may not have had enough to eat, enough heat to be warm, enough love since our parents worked so much. We tend to carry these thoughts

and feelings of not enough into our adult lives.  Even if we have managed to overcome how we grew up, got good jobs with ample pay including some to put away, we may still be in the mindset that we have to be frugal just in case. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you go out and spend all your savings and live it up.  I am saying that in order to be able to bring abundance into our lives, we must be willing to focus appreciating what we do have. 

Each day, give thanks for one thing you are grateful for in your life. They don't have to be humongous things; they can be small things. Some days, you may not feel like giving thanks because the cat threw up last night and you stepped in it right after you woke up. Yet in order to begin to find that attitude of gratitude, we should give thanks for at least one thing every day. Today, I am thankful that I have a job that allows me to pay all of my bills on time. Today, I am thankful that I have running water to shower, wash clothes, and make coffee.  Today, I am thankful that my child loves me and reminds me of the joy of little things. Making a habit of being thankful takes you from the povery mindset to the appreciation mindset. You may not have everything you want, but you have everything you need for today. 

New Year, New You, New Point of View

How many times have we made this solemn promise? This year... fill in the new habit we will embrace, the old, limiting thoughts we will finally let go, the new fad/challenge/gimmick we will master.  I don't know about you, but it gets exhausting! Then there is the inevitable deflation of our well thought reserves when we eventually, through intentional or unintentional means, abandon this year's shiny new goal for ordinary existence.  Maybe we didn't have time to commit to such a lofty goal and we will try again next year.  Maybe life just happened, and we forgot all about it in the day-to-day management of work, family, life. Oh well, there is always next year.  We subject ourselves to this year in and year out.  I have personally come to realize that starting a brand new year with another failed attempt is just ridiculous. I don't want my New Year to start of with feelings of failure and rejection. 

So, this year, my goal is set kinder, gentler plans for myself.  A resolution, when broken or forgotten, feels like a heavy loss. It points a finger at us and says 'you didn't have the wherewithal to see this through. So, my

new philosophy of plans gives me some flexibility. I can set them down for a time and pick up where I left off.  I can change them if I find that my original design is lacking or has changed with the execution. Plans give me breathing room instead of suffocating rigidness. So, with my new philosophy, I set out to determine what plans I need and more importantly want in my world at present keeping in mind that they should have flexibility. 

One of my favorite sayings is, "You can't pour from and empty vessel." It took me a long time to actually put this into practice.  Up until several years ago, I was so invested in 'my hustle' that I didn't know what a weekend off looked like.  I have a full-time job and do various events on the weekends to help people. I booked every show on every weekend I possibly could, until I had a complete meltdown.  I pushed, hammered, and shoved so hard that eventually my mental health had to pull the

proverbial fire alarm to get me to sit down and listen.  I never even noticed that I had no energy and no focus.  I just kept pushing. Part of that is due to how I grew up. There was never time for myself, and certainly no time to put myself first, so I never learned how to listen to my own body and mind queues that something was about to give, and it would probably be me. Once I forced myself to slow down to recover from this (and it was a struggle), I learned a valuable lesson.  I MUST take time off EVERY month for my own health and well-being.  What that time off looks like can vary, it can be staying home with my hubby and playing games, it can be going to nature to rest and rejuvenate, it can be going to a concert.  It is whatever I need my time to be to best take care of myself.  There are a lot of sayings out there about self-care being a priority and you have to put yourself first. Those are pretty words to someone who never learned how and especially to someone who can't say no to other people.  Yet, for our own well-being, we MUST be our own strong advocates because no one else can do it for us. NO ONE.

Practice an Attitude of Gratitude. I know we have all been around negative people at one time or another.  Some of us may even share a workspace with negative people. For these folks, nothing can ever be right. Their daily rants range from the bus was late, my coffee order is wrong, my phone won't stop raining, why are our clients so needy, etc., etc., etc. One thing we can all likely agree on is that we don't enjoy being around these people whether for short or long durations. They can bring

our moods down in seconds flat. I once had a mentor tell me that what you think and what you say are what you create in the universe.  This serves as a reminder to be mindful of what you are thinking and saying because the Universe is always listening and is ready to give you more of what you think and say. For example, should your thoughts and words revolve around constantly being tired of being broke, the Universe will give you more of being broke. If your thoughts and words revolve around being lonely, the Universe will give you more loneliness. We are the creators of our reality, if we want to change our situation, we must change our narrative. Instead of being broke, perhaps we can change the narrative to, "I am financially stable and have all I need to pay my bills with some leftover for fun." Instead of being lonely, perhaps we can change our narrative to, "I attract likeminded, compassionate people into my life." See the difference? Psychology Today tells us, " Cultivating gratitude is about the simple act of focusing daily on what you’re grateful for, which can have a tremendously positive psychological impact." We can use this practice to say something like, I may have missed the bus, but at least the sun is shining. The whole concept is about turning the negative into positive. This will take practice, but once you catch yourself in a negative mindset and intentionally change it to positive, it will become habit and every day will begin to improve. 

Starting the New Year with one or more new plans can give us something to look forward to during the year. Should you need to set your plans down for a bit because there is just too much going on, give yourself a visual reminder of them. Even if you can't practice them or work on them, you can give them at least a thought during the day to keep it in your mind that you want to get back to them. Print up a sign with your plans and some phrases to help keep them with you. Write them on your bathroom mirror so you can see them every day. Set an alarm on your phone with a reminder every day to keep them with you. When you are ready, pick them back up and give them some dedicated time to remember where you are with your plans and what you want to do next. Having to step away from your plans does not make you a failure, so please don't put that thought in your head. This is a form of self-care where other things are at the forefront, but your plans will be your focus once you get through this current rough patch.  Guilt has no part to play here either. Some of us were raised to feel guilty for putting things we want to do first. We must be the ones to take back our power and proclaim that WE are what is important right here, right now and no one gets to tell us otherwise. 

You Don’t Measure Up. Who Cares?!?!

Pretty much since birth we have all been measured – length, weight, and where we place on the national average.  We didn’t have control over that.  Nor did we have control over all the
other measurements that happened in our childhood; our boy is smarter than little Johnny; our little girl is more creative than little Suzy; our boy needs to study harder because his grades are lower than the other 5% of the class…. And on and on and on.  This has instilled in us an unhealthy way of viewing ourselves and our own progress.  No matter what we are doing, we are constantly measuring ourselves against everyone else.  My co-worker is such a kiss up, that’s why they get more raises than I do.  I can’t believe I am this slow/low on my spiritual path.  Look at Mary, she is a Reiki Master and charges more than I could imagine for her services.  Look at James, he has 4,000 likes and 2k followers on his social media.  Why can’t I get that many?  Then starts the internal dialogue about how you are not good enough and can’t get anything right.  It’s exhausting!

This habit is best described by Pastor Steve Furtick, who once said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”  I know I struggled with this habit when I first began to pursue development of my Psychic Medium abilities.  I know I didn’t have all the answers, so I found a group where I hoped I could learn and grow.  Yet within my first few meetings with the group, I began to feel very poorly about myself and my abilities.  I would look around at all the people who could give messages seemingly effortlessly, could speak coherently about Spirit and explain concepts to people who had questions and I would feel so inferior.  The internal dialogue ran along the lines of, “Who do I think I’m kidding? I could never do that.  Why do I think I could ever understand those ideas and be able to explain them?” and on and on.  I was tripping my own self up before I gave myself a chance to learn. 

Over the next ten years, I had many varying experiences with a lot of different people.  I learned and grew.  However, I also had pit falls, negative experiences, and a lot of self-doubt. The most important lessons I learned were on my own without anyone’s assistance, guidance, or teaching.  I had to learn to really listen to myself.  Having grown up a people-pleaser who was so used to putting other people first, I had to learn how to stop that behavior for my own peace and well-being.  One huge realization I came to was that I had no right to feel bad about myself by comparing myself to other people.  I do not know their background or their journey, nor have I been doing this type of work for as long as they have.  It really was okay to keep working on myself and my own path at my own pace.  I don’t need to prove anything to anyone other than myself.    I may not be as good as someone else, but I am better than the person I used to be having learned more and grown more personally.

While I do catch myself occasionally being self-critical of where I may be on my own journey because I have compared myself to someone else, I always remind myself that I shouldn’t compare my behind the scenes to their highlight reel.  Afterall, I don’t know what has gone on with them.  For all I know, they may be putting their best face forward at an event or to the world while their behind the scenes is complicated, just like mine is. So the best we can do for ourselves is to be kind to ourselves by being mindful that our path is our path alone and no one may walk it for us.  The best we can do for others is to not judge the proverbial book by its cover.  You never know what their rough draft looks like or how much of them it took to get it out in the public. 

Walking Away with Clarity

Sometimes you are placed into the same situation over and over and over.  You feel all the same emotions and begin to take yourself down roads of hope that are nothing but dead ends.  You haven’t figured this out yet.  You keep reaching for that hope with both hands and trying to believe that this time it isn’t just smoke.  Then suddenly, the next time you are thrust into this situation, you start walking that road of hope until the sun breaks through and there is perfect clarity.  I will never belong to this group or these people.  That stung, I have to admit.  However, having the clarity that this is not my place and these are not my people was empowering.  I knew then that I could put them in the rear view mirror and wish them well.  I knew that it was not only okay to walk away, but it was also necessary.

Your soul medicine is not meant for everyone.  You can’t MAKE people heal.  You can’t MAKE people responsible.  You can’t get them to understand you because they can only understand from where they are in their own journey and healing.  Sometimes, they prefer to live the delusion while

trying to keep you tied in to their turmoil.  It is at times like these that we MUST put our own emotional well-being, sanity, and peace before everything and everyone else.  Please do not let whatever guilt you may have from being raised a people pleaser or continually striving to save people allow you to put your fingers in your ears and ignore this important message.  The message IS important because you have been experiencing it time and time again.  Let this be the time that you embrace it!

Choose whatever cliché or mantra suits you… It is time to cut the cords that tie you to people who continually treat you poorly.  Remember – what you allow is what will continue.  It is time to burn the bridge so the crazies don’t follow you.  Well, I am proudly a crazy person.  However, my craziness does not extend to trying to destroy other people and their lives.  These people need to stay on the bridge while it burns or on the other side of the gully.  And once that bridge is burned, please do not toss a rope to those on the other side because the pattern will just continue.  When God closes a door, he opens a window.  Well, sometimes we need to nail that door shut to keep us from opening it back up and perpetuating these patterns that are so damaging to our minds, hearts, and souls.  We can CHOOSE to walk away!

In a recent healing circle, my Reiki Master reminded us that we already have what we need inside of us to succeed!  We have the tools, the knowledge, and the courage to take that step off the well-worn road and take a path not traveled.  We need to REMEMBER that we are brave, that we are strong, that we are permitted to have a life that does not revolve around taking care of everyone else.  Most importantly, we have the ability to choose to walk away from those dead-end roads that are not filled with hope and promise, but instead lead to unkempt lanes filled with tangled relationships, half-hearted attempts, and let downs.  Ultimately, we are the map makers of our lives.  We may choose to travel alone, but that does not mean we must be lonely.  Others may join us on our path from time to time.  Some may travel with us for a lifetime.  However, your path and your choices are yours and yours only.  So look up into that dazzling sun, kick the dust from your shoes, and choose your next adventure!

2017 Year in Review

This year has shown me so many amazing things. I am grateful for the people who have encouraged, supported, and helped me beyond words. These are the gems who light the darkness when I can't find my way. Each new experience has taught me humbleness, gratitude, patience, and grace. 

Thank you to each of you who have shared my path for a moment, a season, or many moons. I appreciate your lessons, your support, and most importantly your love. I wish each of you a bright, healthy, and prosperous New Year. May we each continue to bless and encourage those around us and be the light in the darkness. Blessed be!

Word Meanings ~ Closed vs. Closure

When we think of something being closed, we often feel a sense of loss.  Something that is closed, by simple definition is no longer open.  We no longer have access to a closed room. We no longer feel fresh air if a window is closed.  We can no longer engage with someone if a relationship has closed or ended.

When we think of closure, we often look for a sense of resolution.  When we achieve closure,
we come to a conclusion, mostly one that we can live with.  Sometimes, closure can relate to something that closes or seals something (we sealed the deal).  It can also mean something important to someone looking for resolution of an emotional or traumatic experience.

In this post, I am referring to a relationship that meant a great deal to me.  Things went awry and dishonesty was a big part of it falling apart. I once read a quote that in paraphrase says, "Trust is like a mirror.  Once it is shattered, you can put the pieces back together, but it will never look the same again."  I tried to work with her and rebuild the trust, but it never felt the same for me.  I have battled back and forth with myself about whether I should close that door or keep it open.  I have recently come to realize that I will not find closure in this situation, so I need to take my own advice that I give to my clients. (This tends to be a difficult thing for spirit workers.)  It is time to stop ripping off the scab and close the door.

It is important for us to learn that we can not depend on the other person to give us what we need to find the closure we are seeking.  We need to remember that by waiting for an answer from that person, waiting for an apology, or wishing they would tell you the all important "why," that we are placing the writing of our story in their hands.  Doing this only stalls our own ability to move past the situation and continue our own growth.

We also need to realize that we must be the ones to close that door.  The other person is certainly not going to do that especially when they give a lot of reasons and excuses about why their behavior is justified.  They also may not see any problem with their actions and can not understand why you are so affected by it.  You deserve better of the people in your

life who care about you and give you actions to back it up.  You should find a way to firmly and completely close that door and not reopen it.  Reopening the door is like ripping off the scab as we talked about earlier.  If necessary, get a hammer and nails and nail that door shut!

Please remember that no one will value you or treat you according to your worth unless you show them how it's done.  A great way to do that is to show people that you will not tolerate people in your life who treat you less than you deserve in any way.  To my own mind, I would rather be alone that be surrounded by people who claim to be my friends, but don't act as a friend would in any way.  We are emotional creatures and we want to feel that we are loved, cared for, and valued.  When you begin to feel that the people in your life are not treating you accordingly, it is time to gather your courage, face their fire bravely and confidently, and move on.  You will be much better for it.